I’m so sick of this life.

Abandonment Issues.

It’s been what feels like a hot minute since I’ve written something.

Last time it was a rant about how it felt I was being stifled in my house–well, that’s changed. Husband and his girlfriend are no longer an item, and I’m sad about that.  Unfortunately, it’s not until after the veil of new relationship energy (NRE) is dropped do we see what our partners are really like, and the two of them together were unhealthy.  We’ve all been down that road before, and it’s one we prefer not to go it alone. Regardless, there’s still a friendship and that’s what I feel is most important.

Meanwhile, things are progressing nicely with NP with only minor hiccups along the way; hiccups that are completely out of my control, and deal more directly with the divorce that he is currently experiencing more than anything.

That being said, I find myself lately afraid of abandonment.  I don’t feel this sensation with my husband, and hopefully he doesn’t feel it with me, but I feel it with the partners I take on.  I don’t know why that is, either, as I’m secure in my marriage and I shouldn’t care if partners should exit abruptly or not, but I feel it, and it’s real and it’s there.  Very, very there.

NP has declared such a deep devotion and love for me; I am his love, while those that may follow will be lovers. Yet in the back of my mind, all I hear is, “You’re my love for right now, and then when the next person comes along that tickles my fancy, I’ll put you nicely on the shelf with my collection of sorts and memories, and call you a pleasant part of my past.”

I don’t know why I let it affect me.  I don’t know why the idea of someone that I’ve developed dear and heavy feelings for leaving me is so debilitating.  I love him, and we’ve both discussed how we would feel if we worked this relationship into a long-term relationship–it’s what we both desire.  I feel secure with him and with us, but that little voice inside my head warns me.  It tells me that I should just bail ship now, run as I’m capable before too much of my life is invested; before too much of our children become invested in knowing one another, and growing to love one another.

My husband is my support, but he’s going through his own challenges, and I don’t want to increase the weight of burden he may be feeling with his own loss of love.  I certainly don’t feel that NP is going to up and run away next week, or even next month–on the contrary. But I feel that one day, my heart will be crushed so harshly within a vice that I’ll feel like a space vacuum has sucked me through the vortex of time, and I’ll feel dead inside. And while I won’t regret anything we’ve ever made/built/become, I’ll question why I didn’t listen to myself when I first felt these feelings, because let’s face it–my entire childhood was focused around abandonment.

I absolutely have abandonment issues when it comes to even making the smallest things like friends. My father left when I was almost 5; my mother abandoned the mother-daughter relationship we had when she remarried when I was 6 to an alcoholic abusive psychopath; friends abandoned me because I was different; boyfriends abandoned me because I was different; my parents abandoned me; my pastor abandoned me, along with my church; and I just don’t have enough self-worth and value to actually believe that I’m good enough to stick by.  So I just get that feeling that everyone eventually will abandon me, and I don’t quite know how to shake that.

I don’t want to tell NP these irrational fears, at least not right now.  His words, what he says, they are the kindest, most genuine and thoughtful words that have been spoken to me in a long time.  He compliments me often, and reminds me so much of the happiness I see in my own marriage.  He is an absolute ideal partner, and I am so very fortunate to take what he has to offer me, and I should not take this for granted!  I believe him when he tells me how he’s fallen in love with me, and that he loves me. I believe him when he tells me that all others will learn about me, and there will be complete transparency should he take on other partners, and yet…

…yet I see another partner coming along, and me drifting into the black.

How do you cope with abandonment issues? I’ve done therapy; I’ll seek therapy again. How do you address this issue with yourself and express to yourself that you are indeed very much worth it?

And how do you ignore all the voices that haunt your past-self from the current voices that express devotion and dedication; which voices do you let win?  I am exceptionally fortunate to have the husband I have.  I am exceptionally fortunate to have the friends that I have.  I am exceptionally fortunate to have the partner that I now have. It would really benefit me if I could see past all the murky tides and wash up on the Shore of Knowledge.

If only I could see into the future.