I’m so sick of this life.

Advertisements

Abandonment Issues.

It’s been what feels like a hot minute since I’ve written something.

Last time it was a rant about how it felt I was being stifled in my house–well, that’s changed. Husband and his girlfriend are no longer an item, and I’m sad about that.  Unfortunately, it’s not until after the veil of new relationship energy (NRE) is dropped do we see what our partners are really like, and the two of them together were unhealthy.  We’ve all been down that road before, and it’s one we prefer not to go it alone. Regardless, there’s still a friendship and that’s what I feel is most important.

Meanwhile, things are progressing nicely with NP with only minor hiccups along the way; hiccups that are completely out of my control, and deal more directly with the divorce that he is currently experiencing more than anything.

That being said, I find myself lately afraid of abandonment.  I don’t feel this sensation with my husband, and hopefully he doesn’t feel it with me, but I feel it with the partners I take on.  I don’t know why that is, either, as I’m secure in my marriage and I shouldn’t care if partners should exit abruptly or not, but I feel it, and it’s real and it’s there.  Very, very there.

NP has declared such a deep devotion and love for me; I am his love, while those that may follow will be lovers. Yet in the back of my mind, all I hear is, “You’re my love for right now, and then when the next person comes along that tickles my fancy, I’ll put you nicely on the shelf with my collection of sorts and memories, and call you a pleasant part of my past.”

I don’t know why I let it affect me.  I don’t know why the idea of someone that I’ve developed dear and heavy feelings for leaving me is so debilitating.  I love him, and we’ve both discussed how we would feel if we worked this relationship into a long-term relationship–it’s what we both desire.  I feel secure with him and with us, but that little voice inside my head warns me.  It tells me that I should just bail ship now, run as I’m capable before too much of my life is invested; before too much of our children become invested in knowing one another, and growing to love one another.

My husband is my support, but he’s going through his own challenges, and I don’t want to increase the weight of burden he may be feeling with his own loss of love.  I certainly don’t feel that NP is going to up and run away next week, or even next month–on the contrary. But I feel that one day, my heart will be crushed so harshly within a vice that I’ll feel like a space vacuum has sucked me through the vortex of time, and I’ll feel dead inside. And while I won’t regret anything we’ve ever made/built/become, I’ll question why I didn’t listen to myself when I first felt these feelings, because let’s face it–my entire childhood was focused around abandonment.

I absolutely have abandonment issues when it comes to even making the smallest things like friends. My father left when I was almost 5; my mother abandoned the mother-daughter relationship we had when she remarried when I was 6 to an alcoholic abusive psychopath; friends abandoned me because I was different; boyfriends abandoned me because I was different; my parents abandoned me; my pastor abandoned me, along with my church; and I just don’t have enough self-worth and value to actually believe that I’m good enough to stick by.  So I just get that feeling that everyone eventually will abandon me, and I don’t quite know how to shake that.

I don’t want to tell NP these irrational fears, at least not right now.  His words, what he says, they are the kindest, most genuine and thoughtful words that have been spoken to me in a long time.  He compliments me often, and reminds me so much of the happiness I see in my own marriage.  He is an absolute ideal partner, and I am so very fortunate to take what he has to offer me, and I should not take this for granted!  I believe him when he tells me how he’s fallen in love with me, and that he loves me. I believe him when he tells me that all others will learn about me, and there will be complete transparency should he take on other partners, and yet…

…yet I see another partner coming along, and me drifting into the black.

How do you cope with abandonment issues? I’ve done therapy; I’ll seek therapy again. How do you address this issue with yourself and express to yourself that you are indeed very much worth it?

And how do you ignore all the voices that haunt your past-self from the current voices that express devotion and dedication; which voices do you let win?  I am exceptionally fortunate to have the husband I have.  I am exceptionally fortunate to have the friends that I have.  I am exceptionally fortunate to have the partner that I now have. It would really benefit me if I could see past all the murky tides and wash up on the Shore of Knowledge.

If only I could see into the future.

So..

Why can’t I have the ability to do things within my own house, shit that has been done already by another, without a fight or struggle of some kind? Why do I have to feel stifled; whether it’s the inability to have my home to myself, or the ability to partake in whatever frivolities with a partner should I choose to have them around?  But as it’s been continuously pointed out to me that six weeks is short lived, and that I was informed that it was only temporary.  But yet in those six weeks I had to become accustomed to another female living in my house, slowly taking over areas of my home that were once a place to get away; who slowly began holding full claim to my husband while I went to work, came home, slept, and escaped when I could; to watch her do mundane tasks that I could or would never accomplish; to teach my children; and to provide a positive influence in our lives once I got past the initial shock.  I started to get used to her constant presence, and it fazed me no more. But now that there’s distance and a rift between the two of you, my relationships suddenly feel as if they have to be put on halt.

Perhaps it’s my defense mechanism where I feel I have to flee the moment that stress is triggered.  Perhaps it’s my fear that because I couldn’t fully enjoy my last relationship, that I shouldn’t be able to enjoy my current relationship–technically a relationship that started quite some time before yours.  A relationship where I’ve put learning him and understanding him, and even coming to love him on hold because he’s had a difficult go, and now you’re having a difficult go, so I should just hold back again, right?

Polyamory, in this aspect of love and relationships, where people aren’t used to having break-ups, or are expecting a change in their partner as well because you’ve experienced a loss is extremely difficult to cope with.  When D and I transitioned our romantic relationship into a friendship, I experienced levels of grief.  I was told that I shouldn’t be feeling the way I feel because I was anticipating it, because I had been attempting to break-up with D multiple times a month for months.  You state that you feel you provided me support, but I didn’t get the level of support that I needed, that I expressed I needed, because you were involved, engulfed, immersed in your new relationship and its blossoming levels.  And now, I’m working to communicate with you about your relationship and issues that you’re having, and I hear you telling me that I’m not around enough to help you through your problems.

I don’t know what is expected, but I do know that I do not want to go through another relationship where I feel I have to tread lightly because if I express any happiness or contentedness with another partner, feelings of shame and guilt will wash over me.

I hate that this is happening, to you, and to me.  Selfish, perhaps; but in polyamory, you aren’t the only one affected.

Just random things…

So I got to meet the children.

It went a lot better than I was expecting, mainly because I was expecting that whole classic Hollywood scenario where I am loathed by the kids as the ‘homewrecker’.  Alas, NP ensured that they knew I was acting as advocate for his marriage surviving, and that I’ve been a solid rock for him to lean against when he felt at his worst.

Sadly, I don’t foresee his marriage surviving.  And now, I believe he finally sees this as the situation also.  It’s sad, my heart breaks for him, but he has been seeing this coming.  He gave it his best, attempted to repair what was broken, but his spouse is too angry and spiteful to even recognize his attempts.

That being said, as poorly timed as it may seem, my feelings for him are growing.  He’s very much aware, and I’m very much aware of his feelings for me.

It’s an interesting thing, this.

I’ll write more soon.

Curiouser and curiouser.

My metamour came to get her belongings tonight, so that she may spend the night at her home.  She’s been here an hour-ish, and hubby was sitting with her on the couch as I’ve been upstairs giving them space.

Then I hear her exit the house, and he came upstairs to briefly chat about something I’m supposedly right about (I was interrupting and he went to check on her), but she’s been in her car 20 minutes now, and has not yet left.  He’s since joined her outside.

I’m curious to know what will come out of his mouth when he returns.

Sunday.

I won’t be meeting his children Sunday. For that I am thankful.  I won’t be meeting his ex-wife, either.  I say it this way, as he stated out loud to himself while on the phone with me, and it was the first time he’s ever used the term.  However, I’d rather just call her by her name to him, but here that’s not applicable.

Instead, I have him spending the night at my house.  The differences with this relationship from my last are complete 180. My ex boyfriend was never invited to spend the night, for I didn’t want to make my husband uncomfortable, despite him saying he wouldn’t care.  He didn’t approve much of D. But I’ve already discussed that in past posts.  But this is actually pretty monumental for me, as I used to say “No lovers may spend the night.”  Considering the hubby started with his girlfriend coming over, I decided I wanted to own that ‘right’ also.

So I’ve claimed the guest bedroom, and I’m looking forward to his company.  Sadly, I’m menstruating, but at least I get the closeness of physical touch, something I’ve been desperately craving lately.  Tonight he is spending with my metamour, who is apparently 11 years older than me. I’m intimidated by that, but I think she’s a blessing for him in his life! And then I get to enjoy his presence tomorrow.

This is a much less anxious idea than meeting his spouse and children. Much less anxious by far.

Floating.

Have you ever floated in complete darkness with just the sound of your heartbeat and breathing in your ears?  Have you ever lost yourself to your mind, through a sober breath, and explored the depths of your inner-conscience?  If not, I highly suggest it.  Within a sensory deprivation chamber, floating in hundreds of pounds of epsom salt, a weightless bounty…

So NP and his wife are divorcing.  There’s no current ability for him to salvage their marriage.  I feel that, through just witnessing this small amount of hell he’s going through, that this is the best choice for the two of them in order to salvage their friendship. There are children at stake.  I am doing the best that I can in order to offer some sort of salvation from the current hell he’s living.  It’s interesting to play the rock, knowing just weeks ago you were falling apart.

Speaking of which, I had D over my house the other afternoon.  It was the first time I’ve seen him since October 1st, when we parted ways with breaking up.  I realized that I had lost that adoration sensation while in the relationship together, as I still saw him the same light as when we parted.  I love him as a person, but there is zero attraction there anymore.  However, he’s already told me the awe he’s in when he sees me.  Called me ‘breathtaking, even’. Kind. So I feel petty when I cannot see that when I look at him.

Anyway, it was great to see him. Invited him and his girlfriend out to a poly meet n greet. I unbelievably really liked her for him. She has a seemingly star personality, and they seem to mesh really well. I’m happy for him, for sure.

At the poly meet n greet, there was a gentleman who is from Argentina that I had invited along to.  Rather, I explained there was a meet n greet and he ended up coming to check it out.  I didn’t realize it was him when he first introduced himself–I never looked at his profile, ha, never paid attention to his pictures! Maybe an hour into everyone chatting did I realize who he was, and it was light ‘lightbulb on!’

Anyway, I’d like to hang out with him again, get to know more about him.  Not in the romantic sort; I’m afraid that might be his motive though.  I’ll have to be careful.  It’s hard being this…poly advocate as I’m now being called, I don’t want people getting the wrong idea about my intentions.